Friday, August 26, 2011

epic fail

I feel like I have failed...man, when things go bad in your life (job loss, dreams crushed, rejected, financially wreck) how do you pull out of it?  I know that because we are fallible humans, we all have our own ways of coping, our "bottle of choice", so to speak.  Mine is isolation and sleep.  If things aren't going my way, I just want to curl up in my own little world and sleep my troubles away.  I know that I need people and relationships to pull out of it but my coping mechanism kicks in and I become a miserable, useless person.  I have talked to many people who are struggling and I tell them, "you need to get your mind off of yourself and focus on someone less fortunate".  Once you feel the joy of helping out another, it will begin the healing in yourself.  Why is that so hard for me to grasp myself?

At any rate, I feel like I have been a lousy friend lately.  I want to be better at being there for others.  I feel like I have let my kids down as a mother.  I am not happy with myself and tend to take it out on them.  The sad thing is, they are taking notes.  Everything I do to cope, they think is normal and it can become how they handle it too.  I don't want that for them.  So, I have to purpose in my heart to begin a healing process of not only focusing on others, but reaching to the one relationship that will bring true healing.  My relationship with God.  I need to dig into his word, spend time talking with him and allow Him to guide me out of this funk.  He has brought me through so much in my years on this earth, so I know that He will carry me through yet another tough time.  He never promised that life would be easy, He just promised that if I allow Him, he will be right there with me to help me through.  I just need to be better at allowing the healing rather than hiding from it.  God, help me to lean on you and others rather than try to fix it in my own broken ways.

I know....rambling again.....

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