Friday, August 26, 2011

epic fail

I feel like I have failed...man, when things go bad in your life (job loss, dreams crushed, rejected, financially wreck) how do you pull out of it?  I know that because we are fallible humans, we all have our own ways of coping, our "bottle of choice", so to speak.  Mine is isolation and sleep.  If things aren't going my way, I just want to curl up in my own little world and sleep my troubles away.  I know that I need people and relationships to pull out of it but my coping mechanism kicks in and I become a miserable, useless person.  I have talked to many people who are struggling and I tell them, "you need to get your mind off of yourself and focus on someone less fortunate".  Once you feel the joy of helping out another, it will begin the healing in yourself.  Why is that so hard for me to grasp myself?

At any rate, I feel like I have been a lousy friend lately.  I want to be better at being there for others.  I feel like I have let my kids down as a mother.  I am not happy with myself and tend to take it out on them.  The sad thing is, they are taking notes.  Everything I do to cope, they think is normal and it can become how they handle it too.  I don't want that for them.  So, I have to purpose in my heart to begin a healing process of not only focusing on others, but reaching to the one relationship that will bring true healing.  My relationship with God.  I need to dig into his word, spend time talking with him and allow Him to guide me out of this funk.  He has brought me through so much in my years on this earth, so I know that He will carry me through yet another tough time.  He never promised that life would be easy, He just promised that if I allow Him, he will be right there with me to help me through.  I just need to be better at allowing the healing rather than hiding from it.  God, help me to lean on you and others rather than try to fix it in my own broken ways.

I know....rambling again.....

Monday, August 22, 2011

"Don't Worry, Be Happy"

I have had so much on my mind lately.  We are waiting for God to show us the next chapter in our life/ministry.  Does it include "full time ministry" within a church or do we continue loving on people as we work in the work force.  I want to get to where we can raise our kids and not worry about renting a church apartment.  I want stability.  I worry about my kids as they go off to school, about the friends they will make and decisions that come along with that.  After losing babies, I struggle with worrying about their safety when I can't be there to instruct them. There are those in the "religious" realms that say worrying is a sin.  I can call it concern if you would like but the truth is I do worry.  If it makes me chat more with God how can it be sinful?  I can't tell someone who has a sick child, not to worry....or a person who has lost their job, don't worry....or a wife/husband who is struggling with their relationship, don't worry....or a family who is losing their home, don't worry....a parent or spouse who has sent their loved one off to serve our country, don't worry...I could go on and on.  The truth is, we all worry and shouldn't be afraid to be honest with each other as well as with God.  Jesus does say to His disciples in Luke 12:22-34, not to worry about everyday life.  He is simply saying that God loves and takes care of his children.  Yes, worrying does not add a moment to your life, He is asking you to rely on Him.  But, He also knows that we do worry, it is part of our nature.  So, encourage those who are going through the rough times.  Pray for them, love on them, give them encouragement.  I can see how worrying about something can overtake your thoughts and consume you, but if we completely ignore and flippantly barge through life, how will we learn to rely on God to carry us through.  I think that in my own heart and life, when I worry, it is time to talk to God.  

Just thoughts.....  

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Puzzle Pieces of Life's Journey

Has anyone else ever related their life to a giant puzzle?  I think of this often as I reflect on my journey and how it has all fit together like puzzle pieces to make a huge picture.  The frustration for me is not being able to see the finished picture.  I am one who needs the picture on the front of the box to be able to finish....maybe I am not the only one.  But, my comfort is that I know God sees the big picture and places the pieces as He sees fit, to guide my journey and fulfill His purpose for me.  I have tried to sit back and just enjoy the journey He has for me but I still want to know where He is leading.  This past few years has been one of great lessons. I know that each lesson is yet another piece of that puzzle and that God is getting us ready for the next phase of the journey.  I try to figure it out at times and just find it frustrating.  As I put on my facebook status the other day, I have searched for my purpose all my life, and I have found that many times, purpose is found in reflection of experiences that life has brought me through.  We learn through experience and let me tell you, I have learned so much.  Do I have all the answers? Heavens NO!  I do know that God has given me a new passion for people.  I know that He has gifted me with hospitality and discernment.  I know that the pains I have faced in my life will not be in vain because I now understand more about what someone may be feeling as they go through those same struggles.  What is He preparing me for? Helping people.  What does that look like? I don't know but I am willing and ready to do what I can to be a friend to someone who needs it.

We came out to Colorado to help plant churches.  We have gained new perspective of church.  We see through the eyes of those who have been hurting and don't know where to turn.  My husband is an ordained minister but we have seen how little that means.  We are willing to pastor a church if that is where God leads but we also see Him working through our lives out in the world that needs Him.  The "church" shouldn't be a building that we go to.  Jesus came so that we didn't have to go to a building.  He built us for relationship and we are the church.  "We" are the ones He has sent to help the world see Him.  So, I may not see the big picture and know where I will live or how I will be used, but I know that I am to share God's love on a daily basis and my experiences help me to do that better.